closing

ok it's been more than an entire year since i graduated from poly.. and once again we're all preparing to finish up this year, welcome the next, and carry on with our lives.

it has been a rather interesting one.. considering that i entered my new unit only in december last year.. was going through hell in the first half of the year as i was still in my training phase.. from turn outs to excessive PT (physical training), and running up that god damned rappelling tower to jumping from a super puma chopper.. it was tough, but i think it was all good fun. of course you never really think the same while you're going through it.. looking back on stuff just seems to change your point of view.


rappelling at commando cliff..

there weren't really any big events this year to make a big fuss about.. even my 21st birthday was just a simple, but very nice dinner at swensen's with theHaz, maddog and pj. the smoke-out at plaza singapura before that was kind of hilarious though, if any of you remember reading about the fire in PS. smoke billowing from the ceiling and filling up the whole shopping centre, yet no one did a thing.. all they could do was stand there, look with wide open mouths, and breathe in the fresh air.. no one did a thing until the fire alarm sounded and the security guards started clearing people out..

and then there was theHaz's birthday. hwaahahahha that one i remember clearly. fish & co has this cool way of celebrating your birthday for you. they'll make you the star of the entire restaurant.. making you stand up while they sing a birthday rap for you.. lol. but he got a nice polaroid after that. and some ice cream.. hehe.


theHaz's birthday at Fish & Co.

after that came the chalet at downtown east just before my trip to australia.. small turn up, but it was fun nonetheless. i'd say that the rest who didn't bother missed out. burning out with deep purple playing, capturing the flag, extra long obscene looking sausages, complaints on our door.. it was all good fun.


chalet madness at Downtown East!

and then came australia.. the land of endless deserts, huge hot dogs and extreme weather.. but it was a nice place.. a really nice place. got to do lots of stupid stuff there, and being stupid is how we unwind most of the time. visiting keppel island during R & R was just cool.. gotta go back there soon and try all the air activities like parasailing and skydiving.. yum..


me at Keppel Bay Marina, Australia.

and then after that there was pj's birthday.. a quiet little one at singa inn at east coast park.. it was good to see her again after so many months.. and in this case i mean pj. not someone else so don't get any ideas. the dinner was cool, and i finally disposed off a burden that was rotting in my fridge that night. but the crazy part started only after the dinner.. hahaha being the bunch of crazy mofos we are, we went to a 24 hour LAN shop and had battlefield the whole night long. quite satisfying dropping bombs on people with the planes.. yum...

and LASTLY, the last big event of this year before the new year's eve bash.. was missConsie's birthday party at the Marina Mandarin. haha walking from building to building, shop to shop with theHaz looking for suits.. not fun.. we finally had our suits done up at a shop in far east, and collected them on the same day as the party.. we ended up 3 hours late. but it was a cool party.. with a cool family.. and i finally met constance once again.. more than a year after i last saw her.. haha.. gotta find ourselves more classy parties in future.. "one day..."


some of theFamily with missConsie at her 21st birthday.

that kind of sums up this year for now.. as for me, i think i've grown to the realisation that sometimes, you have to stop, be still, and think. think about how much that special someone matters to you. are you plain infatuated or are you in love? are there others more deserving of that attention you're giving to her? definitely. just gotta find them. and to finish it all off, there's this quote from Dr Seuss that i stumbled on while looking around the net.. found it extremely meaningful..

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr Seuss

Merry Christmas everyone! and have a great new year!

peace of mind.

for some strange reason, i feel nothing. i feel no regret for letting go. and for once, i'm at peace. maybe the feeling in me really died a long time ago, and i just failed to realise it.. or i just plainly refused to. but then again i don't know. i might not feel anything now, but who knows whether it'll all come back when i see you again. right about now though, i don't feel anything, my heart is at peace, and i just want to get rid of those god damned chocolates. so please hurry up.

game over.

"I want to play a game", was what Jigsaw would first say to his victims in the videotape he left behind for them. some time ago, i was playing a game, and whether i played by the rules or not, i don't know. but there's one thing i do know, and that's this game isn't getting me anywhere. it's like some bogus snakes and ladders game in which you go up a ladder just to land right in the mouth of a snake, and you go back all the way down to where you started again. i've had enough of this game. this is where it ends.

saturday nights with theFamily

just had another crazy night of xbox fun with suwandi and hazrul.. hehe for the first time in a countless number of sessions like this, we actually managed to hold on till about 6.30 in the morning. most of us would usually start zonking out at about 4am or so.

was also hanging out with them earlier in the day. went to check out e2Max at cineleisure.. looks like it's gonna be a cool place when it's done.. 200 PCs, a number of xboxes with HUGE screens, a few private game rooms, food, movie tickets, everything! gotta check it out again when it's done.

and once again, another person in theFamily has been added to the list of "free" men. well i guess if the bun isn't too tasty you'd tend to throw it out sooner or later eh.. it's just a matter of making the decision whether it will be come tastier or not.. and throwing it out as soon as possible if it isn't going to. makes me wonder about mine.

Angels

Sparkling angel
I believe
You are my saviour
In my time of need

Blinded by faith
I couldn't hear
All the whispers
Their warning so clear

I see the angels
I'll lead them to your door
There is no escape now
No mercy no more

No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart

You took my heart
Deceived me right from the start
You showed me dreams
I wished they'd turn to real
You broke a promise
And made me realise
It was all just a lie

Sparkling angel
I couldn't see
Your dark intentions
Your feelings for me

Fallen angel
Tell me why
What is the reason
The thorn in your eye

I see the angels
I'll lead them to your door
There is no escape now
No mercy no more

No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart

Could have been forever
Now we have reached the end

This world may have failed you
It doesn't give the reason why
You could have chosen
A different path of life

The smile when you tore me apart
You took my heart
Deceived me right from the start
You showed me dreams
I wished they'd turn to real
You broke a promise
And made me realise
It was all just a lie

Could have been forever
Now we have reached the end.

back from down under

and yes i'm back from australia! one month there, 3 weeks wasted on doing nothing but run around the camp. pictures will be coming up soon, but don't expect anything spectacular. heh the scenery there's either trees, bush, or desert. doesn't make for a very nice backdrop for anything. unless you're snapping the wildlife of course. loads of crazy ass stuff there i must say.. orange and green ants, gold ants, silver ants.. uurrgghh. and there's everyone's most feared fire ants. not to mention the giant houseflies, or horseflies as i know them, which circle round and round your head and then suddenly ram into your forehead.. dumb ass flies.. and then there were the possums.. smart little creatures that come in the night to say hi and steal some rations at the same time. cute.

but anyway, all that is over, and the next big thing to look forward to is once again, australia! yeahh we've got some big plans going eh. just gotta save up some money for the trip and we'll be off. heh.

farewell.

well ok tonight's going to be more or less my last night in singapore.. well not exactly, but tomorrow's not counted. been spending a lot of time by myself lately.. just sitting.. thinking.. it's only a month, but somehow i'm still reluctant to go.. i don't remember feeling like this before leaving for my 2 month stint in india.. i guess it's all about the company that goes along with you.

god damn i'm gonna miss everyone. my family.. and the family.. the boring weekend hangouts.. just walking.. drinking coffee.. wasting our weekends away.. but damn.. i think no matter how boring the weekends can get, it's not about what you do, it's about the people you spend it with. and yeah i think that more than makes up for the time wasted.

anyway, as for you, the deranged goat, (yes i know you're reading this) heh hold the fort back here yeah.. i guess we just gotta stop thinking so much, watch the punctuations in our smses, and become bad asses rather than nice guys.. and maybe.. just maybe.. things will turn out fine after that. cheers man.

going under.

i don't usually feel like this, but now i do, and this song is for you.

now i will tell you what i've done for you
fifty thousand tears i've cried
screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
and you still won't hear me

don't want your hand this time i'll save myself
maybe i'll wake up for once
not tormented daily defeated by you
just when i thought i'd reached the bottom
i'm dying again

i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through
i'm going under

blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
so i don't know what's real and what's not
always confusing the thoughts in my head
so i can't trust myself anymore
i'm dying again

i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through

so go on and scream
scream at me i'm so far away
i won't be broken again
i've got to breathe i can't keep going under

the shit has gone through the ceiling.

today could possibly be the worst day of my entire life. of course i'm exaggerating when i say that, but it really has been a terrible day. in fact, you could say that it was fucked.

i don't know what to feel. i don't know whether to be pissed or not. i don't want to be pissed cos i'd hate myself for being pissed. but if i don't get pissed i would feel so wasted, so used. now i know that i am nothing more than a lifeless object. something that someone just picks up whenever i'm needed, then thrown away when i'm not. i've been used.

FUCK.

AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH

fuck this. fuck this. fuck. motherfucking hell.

i could tear a few people apart with my bare hands right now.

the shit has hit the ceiling.

fridays tend to be the happier day of the week, and today is no exception. hehe firstly i get to book out, secondly, and most importantly, i just got confirmation that i'm watching corpse bride this weekend! alright fine you people out there might think it's a small thing, but hey it matters a lot when the person you watch it with is someone you keep very close to your heart.

and so i happily meet up with the gang, have a good dinner, and a short game before we call it a day. i log on to Friendster, and do the usual look-see. and that's when i saw it. something has changed with someone.

omfg.

i just wonder. did all that effort pay off? or did i not do enough? this i will never know. at least not until i ask.

omg.

excuse me if i'm not making any sense.

"when we finally do it, we're always too late..."

just got back from a very small class gathering at costa sands downtown east.. haha it's quite nice to see everyone again.. but at the same time, not many turned up, so that was quite a disappointment.. lol. but those who did turn up made it all turn out ok. heh my thanks to all those who bothered. especially haz for getting the chalet.. lol.



she didn't go though. too bad. aarrggh.

was having a talk with haz and senthil last night while the rest were up in the room. talking about the good old times back in school.. about how we're always screwing up our boy-girl relationships.. especially me and haz.. talking about how we always screw up on the timing.. yes.. the timing. we're always too late. first they tell you they're not ready for anything. so you wait. then when you finally do something again, you're too late. then you get confused. either that or you call them on the phone and they talk to you with this extremely cold attitude... so you hang up wondering what the hell you've done wrong. suddenly they text you a cheerful message with a smiley to boot. then you get confused again, and start banging your head on the wall. god damn.

hmm.. gotta get all the thoughts outta my head.. must.. control... must be... happy.... ahh fuck.

boring mondays

i guess i really shouldn't be complaining too much.. it's not like i get to spend all my mondays at home nowadays.. well in case you're wondering why i'm home on monday, yeah we had to do that damned 32km route march on tekong on friday night.. stretched all the way till saturday morning, and by the time we were out of camp, it was about 3pm.. so yeah here i am, with an off day to clear.

i just realised how powerful wearing two layers of socks and insoles can be. this is the first time ever that i've walked so far, and i didn't get a single blister. not even the slightest bit of abrasion. cool. but the river crossing at the 24km mark was quite an irritation though.. yeah sure i'm quite used to getting all wet in the uniform thanks to lifeguard course, but the smell of the river... urrgghh.

but anyway, who cares.

was with the usual guys again yesterday. hazrul and finally suwandi who managed to drag himself to town. merv was down with the flu though.. haha. had a coffee at coffee club in ngee ann city, and god damn.. the triple chocolate a la mode is a must-try, i must say. 4 slices of brownies stacked on top of each other jenga-style, with a huge scoop of ice cream and a strawberry on top. not to mention all that thick chocolatey sauce.. mmm mmmm.

but what really made yesterday cool was that senthil finally came down to meet us guys after a long time. haha feels like ages since the gang last hanged out together. the dude's finally making the final decision.. soon he will become a changed man. just hope the shit doesn't hit the ceiling after his old man finds out.

random ramblings

raarrghh. woke up this morning expecting to go for my weekly swim.. but i ate too much for breakfast. ain't got the stomach for swimming now.

tried to book a chalet for the coming weeks.. it's amazing how hard it can be to book a damned place. either the price ain't right, or it's full, or they simply just want you to take two nights when you only need one. maybe we should just settle for something else eh guys? haha like maybe a small dinner or something. or it could be a day-long event.. hmm. gotta think.. whatever it is, gotta get her along.

well anyway, hehe just received the pic from her.. the one that we took in the huge tent that very special night at Quidam.. hmm.. just looking at the photo makes me happy. if you only knew how much you mean to me.

good ol' usual saturday

just got home a few hours ago. had met up with the guys for a dinner and the usual chill out. merv accidentally misplaced his IC sometime during the week at a LAN shop in bukit timah, and i had to meet up with him early in the day to show him the way to the place. fortunately the shop was good enough to keep all their lost and found items in a nifty little drawer, and that's where they found his card. we had to brave the god damned sweltering heat of the afternoon sun after that as we made our way to bugis, only to find that there was nothing there of interest. so we braved the sun again, and off we were to our usual hangout that was funan, and spent the rest of our time there having a game while waiting for theHaz to arrive for dinner. i seriously need to get a life.

called pj up to talk about the barbecue and stuff.. apparently haz has become so frustrated at organising these things that he's refusing to do another one. can't say i blame him. with all those unpredictable things changing their minds at the last minute.. well if i'm going to be the one to organise it, i haven't got a lot of time. gonna be flying to australia for a 3-week exercise soon.. so much to do.. so little time.. so much to say to her, so much to tell her..

hopefully the upcoming route march on friday isn't gonna destroy my legs that badly.. trying to get her out for a movie the sunday after that. but it's gonna be hard. i'll probably be limping my ass off on sunday. but gotta get things done quick.. time isn't exactly on my side. been messaging her every now and then.. substantially more often than before.. and it feels... good. but i've been here before.. and i failed terribly the last time i was here.. argh. the memories.

but i'm back on my feet again. and this time i'm not letting slip any chances. or at least i keep telling myself that. sigh. we'll just see what happens this time around.

dwelling in the past

woke up this morning to a very weird feeling. suddenly all these thoughts of my entire life leading up to this day flashed into my head, flooding me with memories, some good, some bad. it made me think about what had made me become what i am today. my friends, my foes, my family, the family.

i remember my days in temasek polytechnic's design school. those 3 years were undoubtedly the best years of my life. making lifelong friends, not to mention lifelong enemies.. our 2 month stay in india.. our sleepless nights in the animation labs.. meeting her almost every weekend.. it was just purely enjoyable. i was much happier back then compared to now. army has screwed my life. but i wouldn't say that even without going through army i'd be happier than i was before.. those times were simply the best. i miss my friends. gotta arrange for a get-together some day. gotta do it before i go for my 3 week stint in australia.

aaarrrgghhh.

aftermath

it's only about midnight, and i've just gotten home from camp. tired as hell though.. had a god damned 24km route march yesterday night.. haven't been doing stuff like that for a long time, and i must say that it's really beaten the hell out of my legs. couldn't even move after the march last night, not to mention this morning. had to literally roll out of bed and to the bathroom to brush my teeth. but that's not the problem here. the problem is something that i noticed while i was pointlessly walking up and down east coast park with my field pack, rifle, and helmet on my head.

as we were walking, we no doubt passed by a whole lot of civilians all having a nice cooling night out at the beach. some were camping, some were there for a barbecue, some were just there for a stroll. but something that really caught my attention, and really pissed me off was the fact that some people out there don't realise what the hell we are going through just to protect their sorry asses. ok, so we're marching up and down the road there, and we pass by a bunch of guys who've probably gone through their national service and are enjoying the life. some of them look at us and remember their good old times in the army, some of them cheer us on, some of them tease us. that's cool, that's fun.. cos they've all experienced it before. then we pass by a younger group. they've obviously not served their term yet, but upon seeing us, they start laughing, they start pissing me off. i could have shot a whole bunch of them if i had a few rounds on me. but that's not all.. we then come across a bunch of girls. yes, girls. girls who don't have to serve at all. and then they start laughing again. i didn't really mind the guys.. they would get their turn eventually. but this was wrong. these people, who had no knowledge of the shitty life we go through, and probably will never experience it anyway, were laughing their asses off at us. it was enough to make me sick. i stuck my finger out at them. that quietened a small few of them, but it didn't work for the rest. the bitches. one day when we finally go to war, i've got a bunch of singaporeans to shoot first.

arrggghhh.

the morning sun blazed through the window and into my eyes, burning them like fire, blinding me. i could not see a thing, yet i was conscious of my surroundings. little stars danced around me like fairies, talking to me, trying to tell me something. i couldn't guess what. i couldn't think. i tried to reach out to them, but my limbs seemed non-existent. for some strange reason the whole world had gone to hell. i was trapped in a place with no way out. the fairies had gone, and all that was left of them was their peaceful and surreal voices, the echoes jumping around my skull like little rubber balls. i had been here before, but i couldn't remember why. i was lost in a familiar place, with fire in place of roads and cheese in place of sky.for some strange reason the whole world had gone to hell. and then i saw her, a heavenly blast of light and comfort. i stepped into the flames, walking towards her. there was no fear. there was no pain. and then i woke up.

it's been some time..

yes it's been some time.. haven't exactly had the time to update this spot.. but then again that's just an excuse.. heh i've just been lazy.

well anyway, lots of things have happened since the last april fools' day update.. for example, i completed the god damned reconnaisance trooper course that i mentioned and earned myself the "coveted" jungle hat that everyone else seems to have.. following that i was sent for a 2-week life saver course to qualify myself as an SAF lifeguard! heh finally something that might actually have some use in life.. other than that, it's all just been boredom in camp, and nothing else.

on brighter notes, i just went to watch Cirque du Soleil's Quidam the day before yesterday.. extremely stunning performance i must say.. it just kept getting better and better the entire evening.. if you've got the cash to spare, i'd recommend you go watch it. it's that good.

not much else to say for now, gotta run off to prepare for book-in.. urrgghh..

april fool's

it's april fool's day today.. and i'm out of camp once more! it's been a long week, but the weeks are just about to get longer.. i'm into the second half of my reconnaisance trooper course now, 3 more weeks and i'll be wearing a jungle hat instead of a god damned cap.. but 3 weeks is a long time if you're going to be suffering.. but i don't give a damn about how much i suffer.. there's more to life out there in that world.. it's just that i can't enjoy it yet..

it's going to be her birthday soon. and i'm not going to be able to be around to wish her... i feel like crap. i'm going to be stuck out in the field. don't think i'll be able to sleep easy at all... not with that thought pounding on the back of my head.. the thought of not being able to do anything... the horrors.. the nightmares. fuck this army. it's ripping away from me everything that i hold dear. everything. most of all i don't get to see her anymore. it's just so impossible. she's never free nowadays.. soon i'll have nothing else to look forward to on the weekends other than just sitting at home and staring at the wall.

on brighter notes... wait. there aren't any brighter notes. bah getting too tired and cranky to be doing this.. oh yeah, and happy april fools to all of you.

masterplan

everytime i don't need something, it pops up in front of me, irritating me, annoying me, frustrating me. when i'm in need, i can never find it. it avoids me, runs away from me, vanishes from my sight. maybe it's just the way this world was meant to work.our lives are littered with problems, and we need to solve them, no matter how simple. makes me wonder. maybe there is someone up there watching. creating all this chaos in our lives, turning us upside-down, destroying us. or maybe you think there isn't. maybe there isn't.

but now i'm in need. and suddenly the problems come again. they just came. it seems too coincidental to be coincidental. there definitely is something disturbing my life's events. that thing has a masterplan for me. and this time my problems are too huge.. too real to understand. i need to get over this hurdle..

i miss you terribly.

get me out!!

yes that's right. get me out! i want out! i want out from the god damned singapore armed forces!! whole ton of bullshit i think it is. well anyway for those of you who don't know what i'm talking about, it's just that this small little country called singapore has something called national service.. and every singaporean male has the obligation to serve 2 years in the army.. so that's where i am now. in the army. and it's not that i just got in or what.. it's just that life keeps getting worse and worse. you can never look forward to the next day because you know it's just gonna be worse. as they always say, "the only good day was yesterday."

note: for those of you who don't wanna hear a thing about the rantings of jit and his opinions on the army, stop reading now.

anyway, as i was saying.. the army. firstly, i think, that in order for people to protect their country, they must first be willing to fight for it right? well i think at least half the god damned army wants out. why? it's the management i tell you. they don't give a damn about their men. we, who stand among the lower ranks, are nothing but grunts or dogs or any other insignificant forms of animal to them. in fact, i think animals lead better lives.. oh yes they do. what's more.. they always tell us.. have you ever wondered why you have to serve in the army? you need to protect your country! your family!! wow! but how the fuck am i supposed to protect my family when i only see them for less than 2 days a week? i don't even know them anymore! i can't fight for someone i don't know! and it's going to carry on this way until august 2006! why?! because i'm made to stay in my camp for the rest of the miserable 5+ days every week.

that's not the only reason why i hate this army. i hate it because it underpays us. i live my life in hell for for 5+ days a week, and what do i get for compensation? i fucking get a measly sum of $450 every month. if i was out there with my design job i could at least earn myself $1400 as my monthly salary. isn't this god damned government supposed to be rich? yes it is. but why are we getting so little? that's where it boils down to the fucking corruption of the fucking lee family. yes everyone knows the white haired balding hypocritical democratic-my-ass god damned mother fucking son of a bitch who wants shouted the words "merdeka!" to the singaporeans back in 1965. piece of shit. all he wanted was power. and power he got. now his entire family rules the parliament. and who do they have to serve as protectors of their playground? us. we, the citizens of fucking singapore. we, the members of the singapore armed forces. armed forces my foot. we're not even properly armed. we're using world war 2 equipment. our signal sets date back to that age, believe me.

well anyway, as if not allowing us to see our families wasn't enough, we also do stupid things in their name. all in the name of fitness.. blah blah blah.. bullshit. i was sent for a bike riding course because of my vocation. i'm a reconnaisance trooper.. i've got to know how to ride my bike to my objective.. and so i got my riding permit in the end.. but during training what do we do? we walk.. yes we walk. with at least 50kg in our packs, filled with stuff we totally do not need out in the field, we go walking and walking and walking. i hardly even get to see my bike. bastards. THE BASTARDS.

and that's not the only thing.. that load in our field packs? it's made up of a whole series of packs that we have to pack in.. like our clothes in one pack, our toiletries in another, etc etc. and the worst part? everyone's pack has to look the same!! we have to pack it the same way! the same ziploc bag size!! and if you don't? ohh you'll get it alright. THE BASTARDS. FUCKING SAF. FUCKING ARMY.

well yeah.. there's a whole lot more to bitch about, but i think i've pissed myself off enough just writing all that crap.

FUCKING ARMY. FUCK THE SAF. FUCK THE PAP. FUCK THE GOVERNMENT. FUCK THE FUCKING WHITE HAIRED BALDING HYPOCRITICAL DEMOCRATIC-MY-ASS HYPOCRITICAL GOD DAMNED MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH. FUCK THEM ALL!!!

i hate sundays

yes, i hate them. there's this particular thing about sundays that i really can't understand.. i get extremely bored, and even the things that i once found interesting no longer seem that fun anymore. the day just takes its own god damned time to pass me by, and what am i doing? nothing. absolutely nothing. maybe that's why i started this damned journal in the first place.. i needed something to do with my sundays.

aaarrgghh.

i hate wasting time. and ever since i entered this bitch-of-a-whore army, i've been wasting my sundays. everyone of them. the thing is i can never get the mood to do anything.. probably cos it's book-in day and all that crap.. gotta tear away from that.. gotta try to overcome the book-in blues one day. but probably not today. i've got hell coming my way.. gonna be walking and walking and walking the entire day tomorrow.. god damned navigation exercises..

aaaarrrrggghhh.

i need a saviour. i need someone. hmm.
can't stop thinking of her lately. but i can't do anything. i'm away 5 days of the week, and it's gonna be that way up till august 2006... i hate my life. i hate national service.

aaarrrgghh.

birth of a new journal

and finally jit bothers to up his very own blog.. it's not like i'm gonna be religiously updating this thing, cos i'll only be able to touch my pc for 2 days of the week all the way till august 2006.. but i'll try.. really.