farewell.

well ok tonight's going to be more or less my last night in singapore.. well not exactly, but tomorrow's not counted. been spending a lot of time by myself lately.. just sitting.. thinking.. it's only a month, but somehow i'm still reluctant to go.. i don't remember feeling like this before leaving for my 2 month stint in india.. i guess it's all about the company that goes along with you.

god damn i'm gonna miss everyone. my family.. and the family.. the boring weekend hangouts.. just walking.. drinking coffee.. wasting our weekends away.. but damn.. i think no matter how boring the weekends can get, it's not about what you do, it's about the people you spend it with. and yeah i think that more than makes up for the time wasted.

anyway, as for you, the deranged goat, (yes i know you're reading this) heh hold the fort back here yeah.. i guess we just gotta stop thinking so much, watch the punctuations in our smses, and become bad asses rather than nice guys.. and maybe.. just maybe.. things will turn out fine after that. cheers man.

going under.

i don't usually feel like this, but now i do, and this song is for you.

now i will tell you what i've done for you
fifty thousand tears i've cried
screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
and you still won't hear me

don't want your hand this time i'll save myself
maybe i'll wake up for once
not tormented daily defeated by you
just when i thought i'd reached the bottom
i'm dying again

i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through
i'm going under

blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
so i don't know what's real and what's not
always confusing the thoughts in my head
so i can't trust myself anymore
i'm dying again

i'm going under
drowning in you
i'm falling forever
i've got to break through

so go on and scream
scream at me i'm so far away
i won't be broken again
i've got to breathe i can't keep going under

the shit has gone through the ceiling.

today could possibly be the worst day of my entire life. of course i'm exaggerating when i say that, but it really has been a terrible day. in fact, you could say that it was fucked.

i don't know what to feel. i don't know whether to be pissed or not. i don't want to be pissed cos i'd hate myself for being pissed. but if i don't get pissed i would feel so wasted, so used. now i know that i am nothing more than a lifeless object. something that someone just picks up whenever i'm needed, then thrown away when i'm not. i've been used.

FUCK.

AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH

fuck this. fuck this. fuck. motherfucking hell.

i could tear a few people apart with my bare hands right now.

the shit has hit the ceiling.

fridays tend to be the happier day of the week, and today is no exception. hehe firstly i get to book out, secondly, and most importantly, i just got confirmation that i'm watching corpse bride this weekend! alright fine you people out there might think it's a small thing, but hey it matters a lot when the person you watch it with is someone you keep very close to your heart.

and so i happily meet up with the gang, have a good dinner, and a short game before we call it a day. i log on to Friendster, and do the usual look-see. and that's when i saw it. something has changed with someone.

omfg.

i just wonder. did all that effort pay off? or did i not do enough? this i will never know. at least not until i ask.

omg.

excuse me if i'm not making any sense.

"when we finally do it, we're always too late..."

just got back from a very small class gathering at costa sands downtown east.. haha it's quite nice to see everyone again.. but at the same time, not many turned up, so that was quite a disappointment.. lol. but those who did turn up made it all turn out ok. heh my thanks to all those who bothered. especially haz for getting the chalet.. lol.



she didn't go though. too bad. aarrggh.

was having a talk with haz and senthil last night while the rest were up in the room. talking about the good old times back in school.. about how we're always screwing up our boy-girl relationships.. especially me and haz.. talking about how we always screw up on the timing.. yes.. the timing. we're always too late. first they tell you they're not ready for anything. so you wait. then when you finally do something again, you're too late. then you get confused. either that or you call them on the phone and they talk to you with this extremely cold attitude... so you hang up wondering what the hell you've done wrong. suddenly they text you a cheerful message with a smiley to boot. then you get confused again, and start banging your head on the wall. god damn.

hmm.. gotta get all the thoughts outta my head.. must.. control... must be... happy.... ahh fuck.

boring mondays

i guess i really shouldn't be complaining too much.. it's not like i get to spend all my mondays at home nowadays.. well in case you're wondering why i'm home on monday, yeah we had to do that damned 32km route march on tekong on friday night.. stretched all the way till saturday morning, and by the time we were out of camp, it was about 3pm.. so yeah here i am, with an off day to clear.

i just realised how powerful wearing two layers of socks and insoles can be. this is the first time ever that i've walked so far, and i didn't get a single blister. not even the slightest bit of abrasion. cool. but the river crossing at the 24km mark was quite an irritation though.. yeah sure i'm quite used to getting all wet in the uniform thanks to lifeguard course, but the smell of the river... urrgghh.

but anyway, who cares.

was with the usual guys again yesterday. hazrul and finally suwandi who managed to drag himself to town. merv was down with the flu though.. haha. had a coffee at coffee club in ngee ann city, and god damn.. the triple chocolate a la mode is a must-try, i must say. 4 slices of brownies stacked on top of each other jenga-style, with a huge scoop of ice cream and a strawberry on top. not to mention all that thick chocolatey sauce.. mmm mmmm.

but what really made yesterday cool was that senthil finally came down to meet us guys after a long time. haha feels like ages since the gang last hanged out together. the dude's finally making the final decision.. soon he will become a changed man. just hope the shit doesn't hit the ceiling after his old man finds out.