satisfaction.

So R stumbled on the prezzie that day at work (yeah at that size, it's a bit hard to miss it), and while everyone thought it was a cake, of course she knew what it was about cos of the shop name printed on the top. She didn't find out what was inside till much later though, apparently because she couldn't bear to untie the ribbon as it was too adorable? LOL. Well it was opened in the end anyway, and I was utterly delighted that she totally digs the whole package.

Dearest R, receiving that gift may have made your day, but just knowing that you like it and all that effort didn't go down the drain, totally makes mine! =D

Mr Silent Ninja

Remembering that R was saying that her burner had been given to her dear sister some time ago, and that the Harnn candle was quickly dying out, a quick visit to The Naturalist seemed to be in order. The very same guy who attended to us the last time was there again, and he gladly shared his vast and extensive knowledge on the different recommendations of essential oils, and their therapeutic effects. After a long and careful consideration of what might work out best, I was out of the store with a burner and two custom-blended concoctions. They even gave me their in-house box to put together the entire package. Really cool stuff.

Picked up more silver ribbons from Prints and spent half of the night figuring out the best way to wrap it, before I decided to do away with the wrapping paper and just put that box design to good use. I mean, you don't want to put someone through so much suspense just unwrapping something right?

And so Mr secret santa decided to be the silent ninja once more, but it was so much more difficult this time cos the package was so huge. Difficult to keep the people from wondering what I was doing with this bag in my hand with a box in it. LOL. But I got it done anyway with my over-the-top stealth and infiltration skills. I hope the scents work out for you R, heh even if they don't, I hope you like the burner!

ramble ramble ramble

Waking up at 6.45am in the morning isn't exactly something that I fancy doing. Been doing that for the past 2 days just to attend my driving lessons in the morning and I feel extremely drained already. Tomorrow, or should I say, later in the morning would be my next lesson, and according to the instructor, I'd be hitting the public road so that we can get started on that 3rd gear. 3 days into the beginning of my lessons and I'm on the road. There's this naggy, nervous feeling about it, but at the same time I can't wait!

Today's lesson was all about low speed control and extremely tight right angle turns. Half clutch, half clutch. Finding the biting point on the clutch was a major bummer at first, but after awhile I more or less got used to it. Just gotta make sure I don't forget it tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, gotta hit the tailor for my suit's fitting. Urgh. Gonna be a long tiring day, but at least the rainbow's starting to come out once more in my world. Made a call today to find out that secret santa's sick again. I guess studying too hard sometimes can get the better of you.

So let's go.

Moving along

Today was my very first practical lesson at BBDC, and it more or less kicked off to a good start. I could count the number of times I had to move forward, brake, reverse, brake in one hand before the instructor decided I was better off moving around the circuit rather than wasting time going back and forth.. Heh I guess some knowledge and experience does help a little. Now I just gotta find that sweet spot on the clutch..

Life has been coming along nicely, and things are returning back to normal. Busying myself with my own stuff helps to keep the mind off things, so does retail therapy. Retail therapy though, is extremely bad for the wallet. In a course of 2 months, I have ended up with 3 shirts and 1 pair of cufflinks from Raoul, some shirts from Zara, some shirts from Topman. Looking sharp is one thing, but whoa, it comes at a price.. LOL.

Try as I might to listen, I'm beginning to find it difficult to keep things the way it is. Going against my own will is the worst thing that I could ever do, but sometimes it might be for the better. Or is it? Time to get it on, so let's go.



Bryan Adams - The Only Thing That Looks Good On Me Is You

I don't look good in no Armani Suits
No Gucci shoes or designer boots
I've tried the latest lines from A to Z
But there's just one thing that looks good on me

The only thing I want
The only thing I need
The only thing I choose
The only thing that looks good on me...is you

I'm not satisfied with Versace style
Put those patent leather pants in the circular file
Sometimes I think I might be lookin' good
But there's only one thing that fits me like it should

The only thing I want
The only thing I need
The only thing I choose
The only thing that looks good on me...is you

Yeah it's you - it could only be you
Nobody else will ever do
Yeah baby it's you - that I stick to
Yeah we stick like glue

The only thing I want
The only thing I need
The only thing I choose
The only thing that looks good on me... is you

setbacks, achievements.

Getting through a major hiccup in life can sometimes take a lot of wind out of a person. The sky came crashing down recently, and it happened so quickly that all I could do was let it happen and pick up the pieces. Rebuilding it is a slow and painful process, and like all things that shatter, you can piece them back together but things will never really be the same, as it will always be more fragile than before. This is where though, that you become more delicate towards it and treat it with more care and concern so as not to let it happen again. I'm still learning the best ways to get it all glued together, and sometimes those lessons can come quite harshly, but nevertheless I'll get it done in the end.

On other notes, I'm more or less a third of the way to finally getting that damned driving licence. Passed my basic theory test that day, and had my provisional driving licence done up. Now I just gotta get myself through those practicals and final theory test, before I hit the traffic police driving test which would be a few months later, then I'll finally be on the road!

wrecked

Lately I've been trying to keep myself busy just to keep my mind off things, but no one ever said it would be easy. Every moment that my mind has the chance to idle, the memories start coming back and I get that wrenching feeling in my chest again. Thinking of the merry times helps a little, but only serves to amplify the fact that I may never have the chance to enjoy them again, although that is probably why they will always be special to me.

Confusion reigns supreme now, and I'm suddenly stuck in the dark again. I thought that maybe learning a couple of new acoustic songs to jam with my buddy at work might help, but somehow I ended up with all the songs that only serve to make me feel worse.. I always feel like I want to talk to someone about things, but at the same time I want to forget it all. I want to distance myself for this period of time to give us some space to breathe and hopefully forget, but I can't stop thinking of her, and find myself repeatedly reaching for the phone, only to find that I don't know what to say. I pretend like everything is fine at work, but I've been feeling terrible since the day.

Today I decided to pick up my Fender Strat and hit some notes for Bon Jovi's I'll Be There For You, but suddenly, for the first time in countless years, the tears came out and I never finished the song. Damn it I need to get through this quickly, but will I allow myself to?



I guess this time you're really leaving
I heard your suitcase say goodbye
And as my broken heart lies bleeding
You say true love it's suicide

You say you'd cry a thousand rivers
And now you're swimming for the shore
You left me drowning in my tears
And you won't save me anymore

Now I'm praying to God you'll give me one more chance, girl

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what love can do
I'll be there for you

I know you know we've had some good times
Now they have their own hiding place
I can't promise you tomorrow
But I can't buy back yesterday

Baby you know my hands are dirty
And I wanted to be your valentine
I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby
When you get drunk, I'll be the wine

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what love can do
I'll be there for you

I wasn't there when you were happy
I wasn't there when you were down
I didn't mean to miss your birthday, baby
I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what love can do
I'll be there for you

words

a lot of work needs to be done.
i won't be able to to last.
i'll run out of steam.
some things about me make me a bit of a bastard.
i'm not in the priority list.

the words keep ringing out in my head, and they hurt everytime they do.

wtf.

If you sincerely want to help, you make sure that you're willing, and that you have the capacity to do it or at least try to do it, not just because you want to show that you want to and then run away when you can't. If you have something else to be caught up with and are not sincere, it shows up real easily, so don't f*cking come asking me if I need help or not. It makes things better that way.

But at least for now, I am extremely thankful that I have theFamily.

Defeat.

I have never felt so defeated in my entire life.. Throughout my existence, failure has always been something that happens so very seldom, and even when it does happen, I come back round and make things right in the best way I can. It's only been slightly more than 24 hours, but so much has gone through my mind. Thoughts of joy, sadness, denial, disbelief. I want to escape from it all, but at the same time, running away is not something I like doing. I want to talk to someone about it, but I can't find the words to explain myself. My best buddy is definitely around to help, and is trying his very best, but I'm not sure if I'm up for what he is telling me. Each passing minute is another moment that I die once more all over again, and it gets more painful every time.

Where did I ever go wrong? What was it that I did not do? What was it that I did? What are my flaws that I must fix? Was it something I said? What must I do to show that I am truly willing to give my all because I see something wonderful in this? How do I show it?

Last night I found myself doing things that I have never done before. I have been listless at times, but last night, I somehow realised that I was standing at the door of my room, just looking out into the rest of my home, but I wasn't seeing anything. I don't even know how I ended up there. For once in my life, I was shivering in my bed, curled up at the corner with my quilt around myself. I felt like something important had escaped from me. The next thing I knew I was just taking slow walks around my house, staring into every single mirror that I crossed. At 2AM I walked up to the main door just to touch the door knob to make sure it was locked, which it surely was. I looked around the home that I had grown up in for the past 16 years of my life, and saw myself as a little boy running around it, not a single worry in the world, with so much to live for and two loving parents to take care of me. I remembered the first day I stepped into the house when we just moved in. White empty walls, just our sofa in the centre, our belongings in boxes next to the door.

And now here I am, sitting listlessly in front of my laptop again, staring at my phone, just wishing it would beep at least for another time. The storm outside's just ended, and the sun is showing itself once more. The cold is subsiding, the warmth from the sun's rays filling up my room. I only wish that I can get back on my feet as quickly as the storm disappeared, but I'm not moving on just yet. It's been an hour since I started writing this post, more thoughts have passed through my mind, and I don't even know what I want anymore. It's times like this I wish I could just numb myself to everything and be an empty shell of a person, unfeeling, lifeless, and indifferent.

Why... why... why... Lord if you have a masterplan for me, a penny for your thoughts please...

a cry for help.

Lord, I could really do with some help and guidance now...

There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright..

Words cannot even begin to describe what a day I had yesterday! Was meeting up with R to catch the ABBA Mania concert at Esplanade which we were so looking forward to, so there I was at Millenia Tower waiting for her to end work and she shows up, stunning as can be although she was handling a complaint just minutes before.

Sakae Sushi was up for dinner, with a whole assortment of salmon, chicken, fish, asparagus, rice, cha soba, and we were gladly filled with green tea as well. An interesting remark about the counter dude's hair came out while we were making payments.. LOL curly and standing and frizzy was it?




Esplanade was our next destination of course, and wow what a show! The audience needed a bit of coaxing at first to get off their butts and groove, but it wasn't long before the whole theatre was turned into a giant dance floor, mambo night style! We had a hell of a time with hits like SOS, Take A Chance On Me, Super Trouper, and of course, who could forget, Dancing Queen! Truly an unforgettable night not just because of the show which was good in its own right, but of course the amazing company stole the night.

So after all that was done, we started on our usual walks again, and found ourselves ending up at the Pump Room at Clarke Quay, cos Brewerkz was closed. The band Enigma was playing, and somehow, everything fell into place again cos they were playing old school retro songs, and so there we were again, a continuation of our own little mambo night. It was really strange though, every single song we reminisced about was played within the next 1 or 2 songs, which was a little eerie, but hell, it made things a whole lot more fun. So fun that we had to stay till the last set was done at about 2:45AM, after which we hit the road for home, and I got something off my chest.

Thank you so much for the really really enjoyable night. I would repeat it again and again if I had the chance. In the meantime, I will wait patiently, as long as I can hold out, for you mean so very much to me. So along the lines of ABBA's Take A Chance On Me, "If you change your mind, I'm the first in line!"

What happens if I fail?

And so it's almost time for judgement to pass, and I feel as unprepared as ever. Call my intuition and interpretation bad, but I haven't been picking up anything, and when I do pick stuff up, I'm usually clueless about what it means, or if it means anything at all. The big day is almost here, and while I'm usually very sure about how things would turn out most of the time in my life (and that would be positively), I can safely say that I am yet again, clueless. We'll just see how it goes.

In the meantime, new cufflinks from Raoul have entered my wardrobe! No points for guessing the choice of design, but they look stunning on the sleeves, I must say.