Defeat.

I have never felt so defeated in my entire life.. Throughout my existence, failure has always been something that happens so very seldom, and even when it does happen, I come back round and make things right in the best way I can. It's only been slightly more than 24 hours, but so much has gone through my mind. Thoughts of joy, sadness, denial, disbelief. I want to escape from it all, but at the same time, running away is not something I like doing. I want to talk to someone about it, but I can't find the words to explain myself. My best buddy is definitely around to help, and is trying his very best, but I'm not sure if I'm up for what he is telling me. Each passing minute is another moment that I die once more all over again, and it gets more painful every time.

Where did I ever go wrong? What was it that I did not do? What was it that I did? What are my flaws that I must fix? Was it something I said? What must I do to show that I am truly willing to give my all because I see something wonderful in this? How do I show it?

Last night I found myself doing things that I have never done before. I have been listless at times, but last night, I somehow realised that I was standing at the door of my room, just looking out into the rest of my home, but I wasn't seeing anything. I don't even know how I ended up there. For once in my life, I was shivering in my bed, curled up at the corner with my quilt around myself. I felt like something important had escaped from me. The next thing I knew I was just taking slow walks around my house, staring into every single mirror that I crossed. At 2AM I walked up to the main door just to touch the door knob to make sure it was locked, which it surely was. I looked around the home that I had grown up in for the past 16 years of my life, and saw myself as a little boy running around it, not a single worry in the world, with so much to live for and two loving parents to take care of me. I remembered the first day I stepped into the house when we just moved in. White empty walls, just our sofa in the centre, our belongings in boxes next to the door.

And now here I am, sitting listlessly in front of my laptop again, staring at my phone, just wishing it would beep at least for another time. The storm outside's just ended, and the sun is showing itself once more. The cold is subsiding, the warmth from the sun's rays filling up my room. I only wish that I can get back on my feet as quickly as the storm disappeared, but I'm not moving on just yet. It's been an hour since I started writing this post, more thoughts have passed through my mind, and I don't even know what I want anymore. It's times like this I wish I could just numb myself to everything and be an empty shell of a person, unfeeling, lifeless, and indifferent.

Why... why... why... Lord if you have a masterplan for me, a penny for your thoughts please...